There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. My punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.

Sometimes I wonder to myself how different life would be if I weren’t born in the country I’m from, coming from a religious family I feel like I’m inclined to follow the beliefs yet I always find myself never coming or agreeing to the terms of the religion. I’ve been caught on numerous occasions doing things that are considered sinful and yet I never felt an ounce of regret for it. I’m constantly getting beliefs shoved down my throat and it’s become hard to even live peacefully without constantly thinking about how little regret I had and wondering if I maybe should be the saint my parents would have wanted me to be. The consequences are eating me alive and I seriously gave up trying to find solace in the religious aspect of my life. Everywhere I go in my hometown I’m constantly reminded by the religious trauma I’ve had endured in my life. I feel like im just another girl abandoned by god ever since I was young. It reminds me of a quote I read from Sylvia plath; I talk to god but the sky is empty. Thank you for creating this guestbook, I’m not sure I would have ever said this to anyone, even the people I call close to me. I understand if you don’t reply, this topic is honestly labeled taboo for some people (ᴗ_ ᴗ。)

. im so hoping that this will never be seen by them. . I nearly had a break down today sincei was remembering a friend that i met through regiments . we havent talked much in the regiment but ended up bonding in their scouts that they owned. Main point , my latest times i had interacted with them i kept having an odd feeling , it was like something was pressuring on my chest . at first i ignored it but it went to the point that it was so overwhelming that i decided to move accounts . i tried moving WITH regiments i was in but one of mutual friends we had found out as they were a staff in there and with that they immediately said that i moved accounts in a server where the perspn was . ps. i did NOT want anyone to move to that account as all i wanted was to figure out WHAT caused the feeling and to get a BREAK from it . which obviously failed cause of the reason above . and so with that , i tried sucking it up again . but it did NOT get better so i just kept getting overwhelmed by it over and over again , constantly questioning why its happening as it did not happen for a year ive known them . I gave up and moved once more without telling ANYONE but my online mother as the only person i trusted telling . Eventually i tried distracting myself with regiments and of course they were in 1 of the ones i joined . they found out its me n stuff , which lead to me having a dm in the morning . . i understand why they were upset , even though my friends keep telling me its not my fault it feels like it is , honestly. I got told that i did a good thing to take a break off contact but it still feels wrong . I tried explaining myself to them but i feel like they wont respond as i didnt respond to their message . i was way too scared to . i get easily overwhelmed by confrontations : ( . i need honest opinion here , is what i did wrong ? . sorry if this is too messy to read ... i usually dont vent publicly .

I've always been someone who doesn't like when friends leave me. I can leave people I just met, but one it's a friend, my whole world just breaks. My ex-online brother said he didn't wanna be my friend anymore earlier this year (around august) and I'm still not over it. We were online siblings. How could he? I must say it was partially my fault since I did invite a new person to our group server without him wanting another member, but still. I can't even look at the fandoms he liked anymore. I tried to get into them before we broke off, but he didn't really care THAT much. Bungou Stray Dogs. That was the last fandom I remember him being in. I desperately tried to get into it, despite it not being something I liked. He had friends at his school that liked it. He preferred those friends over me. He valued them over me. I asked if we could play, and he said no because he was tired... He was on playing with his friends. Why he didn't care for me in the end? Because I talked about a fandom I like. Splatoon. He could've just muted the damn server while he was at school, it's not a big fucking deal. I guess he doesn't know what silent notifications mean. I spent all my free time talking to him and my other siblings. Maybe I was overbearing. His parting message mentioned him "bending over backwards" or something, I think. If anything, he was exaggerating it for dramatic effect. History repeats itself, y'know. My real life brother has made friends with some pretty cool people on ponytown. He likes Pokemon. They like it too, but I'm not really a fan. He spent a lot of time with them and I quickly grew jealous. I didn't want a repeat. I wanted my brother. I got lucky this time, he got reminded of a childhood anime we used to watch, Naruto. I get to share an interest with him again. No more fear of losing him. For now, of course. My first friends upon coming to France didn't like me. They found me weird. They avoided me. How cruel, we were only 6. And at first chance, told me to make friends with a girl in the grade below me, at which point they never talked to me again. That girl I met was my best friend for years. We loved the same things, played the same games, went to each other's birthdays, everything. She had to move back to the USA. I haven't talked to her in years. My messages don't go through. I just wish something could stay the same for over two years again. Even if it ends after three.

Im really annoyed by my grandma - she's overprotective. Like I'm sorry but why do you have to watch me drink a cup of water... so I dont drown?! "Wear your socks or you'll be sick" ITS.. LIKE 20 DEGREES IN THE HOUSE. and I will not forget the constant "Do u want tea?" "No ill make u some.." WHta about fruit" "Are you sureee" then 10 minutes later there's fruit at my room. I'M ALMOST AN ADULT I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF

im terrified, and tired. i am terrified of so many things, that its going to seriously kill me one day. my heart rate is unnatural according to the doctors, my parents seriously dont care, and so much more is making me stressed. im terrified that im going to die one day and the only thing my friends will know as the last thing i message them is im feeling sick or something. ive been on t he verge of dying, verge of having a heart attack so many times and it makes me sick my parents yelled at me for having a disgusting room while i was the sickest i ever felt, and now i just feel like nothing again. my fp's been grounded off one of our only communication playform and they moved off to ohio so now my stressed that i cant talk to them for weeks again. i just hate this i hate how everything once again feels like its collapsing. just a few weeks ago i was at my best point, now im at my worst again. i hate my parents for never taking me serious, i hate how i am stuck never being able to be happy. i struggle with drawing because it never looks right. i hate every craft i do anymore. it feels basic. i want to kms, but im scared that my fp wont find out until days, weeks after. they stayed up scared for me once and that just tugs at my chest, i dont want to live but i hate wanting to die, out of fear one of the only people that actually listen to me and enjoy talking with me they're so concerned for me it confuses me why . i feel like im worth nothing so whyy do people care and genuinely ask if im okay

Everything feels so dull lately. Nothing appeals to me anymore, not even my hobbies. My piano has been collecting dust in the corner of my room for the past 3 years, I haven’t picked up a pen in a good while now. I get no sense of accomplishment from anything, and in the rare instances that I do it fizzles out so quickly that it wouldn’t matter anyway. I don’t feel like I’m living for myself anymore, I don’t think I ever have. Everything I’ve ever done, every major decision I’ve made for my life was to cater to somebody else; what they wanted me to be. I exist for other people and I don’t remember when I last had a genuine dream of my own, of how I want to live, of what job I want to do. I don’t have anybody irl I can trust, or even laugh with for fuck’s sake. And I want somebody to love, somebody to love me. To make the world feel less like it’s closing in on me but that’s exactly the problem, because I crave love but I can’t handle it. I’m so unused to basic affection that it genuinely makes me uncomfortable and I try to pull away the moment I get too overwhelmed with it. One of the only things that keeps me going is the need for connection but I don’t know how to be loved. I don’t know how to love. I hate this country and I hate everyone in it and I hate myself and I hate my parents for having me just to shape me into their ideal version of a golden child. I’m nothing but bragging rights to them. I just wish somebody would kill me already. Time passes in a blur and I never feel like I’m ever really present in the world, I don’t hear my name and think “that’s me”. I look in the mirror and I don’t see myself. I’m unremarkable, I’m painfully average at everything and I blend in with crowds. I’m downright pathetic and nobody I talk to remembers my name, everybody forgets after a while. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m afraid. I can’t see myself making it past my 20s and honestly, I don’t think I want to.

Okk so uh, I've had issues with my mental health in the past. I worked hard to fix myself so I can be a better person/friend to individuals around me. In the past, I would just randomly feel all gloomy and just be a negative asshole to my (ex) friends- which I deeply regret and hope they're doin' alright now. I don't even know what caused my mood to swing so fast back then, I always told myself I'd work on it- if that makes sense- to my (ex) friends, but would turn around and just repeat the whole moody shit again. I thought to myself abt jst cutting them off so I can try and actually focus on idk fixing myself? In the end, I did drop em. At the time, I thought maybe they were the reason why I was switching emotions in a snap of a finger. To be honest, they partially was, I felt left out at times, unwanted and shit- and yes I somewhat spoke up to them abt it but the same shit happened so. I just felt annoyed at them all of a sudden, like just one day I didn't enjoy their company as much as I used to, I didn't feel like a member of the friend group yk. I probably shouldn't have felt that way, I do have my regrets abt having such stupid thoughts. When I cut off certain people, it felt as if a weight was lifted. I didn't feel as if I was suffocating or wtv around them, that I didn't have to put on an act jst so they wouldn't think I felt some type of way abt them or even feel that I was slightly annoyed yk. I had a chance to fix myself and I took it. Yes, I do miss some of them dearly, but I'm happy that I chose to focus on my mental health than ruin it by being around people who's company I didn't even enjoy. (I prolly sound like an asshole im sorry) But that's not really the main thing I'm venting about, I've been trying to do my best to not go back to my old ways, getting annoyed at ppl for no reason or just simply cutting them off. I don't want all my progress to go to waste over some silly ass thought. I've been doing my best to prevent anything that could possibly make me return to my old habits again. I'm trying my best to engage with others and not seem dry but I'm failing at it. I don't want to lose these friends I have right now, I'm scared that I'll be alone again. I don't want to restart everything I worked hard for, I don't know what to do.

I miss him. I wish I didn't, but I do. I was happy that he was gone at first because it was like this weight was lifted off my shoulders, but then I realized that he was one of the few good things I had left in my life, and when he left, he took two other things with him. Now I just feel hollow. I promised I wouldn't stalk him this time. But I occasionally just check on him. Check his atabook, or patreon, or use an alt acc to see if he's on ponytown and if he's doing okay. I don't want to speak to him. I don't want contact. I don't deserve that and he doesn't need that in his life. It would only hurt us both more. I would genuinely just be happy knowing he's happy. Knowing that he's okay and especially if I could just know he was doing better without me. It's selfish, but more than anything I just want to know whether or not I was really the thing dragging him down, or if that was just a self-hate delusion. I don't care if it end up hurting me, I just want to know. I need to know. I pray that he's better. I pray that he's with better people, doing better things. If he ever sees this, and knows its about him, I hope he gives me a single sign. Just something to let me know he's doing okay. Because I'm terrified that I've permanently traumatized yet another person I loved.

hi i only came here cause i like signing atabooks. meatball. here are some lyrics! [Verse 1] Bullies stand up, losers sit down Everybody know I'm a king, without a crown And the cut on your heart, mark on your face Never should've came here in the fucking first place I hate you and you hate me, such a hateful family And I could tell some lies to you at the dinner I had to suffer through Like I am gonna try again, to stop these drugs and change my friends To try to make all the amends for all the shit I never said You realized you gotta change, you acted bad, you misbehaved You got your way, so have your way, got your way, so have your way [Verse 2] The farther I can reach, I'm such a fucking outlaw There's blood inside the leech, for every sin and God fall The fucking garden eats all of the fucking good ones And I could never sleep because the night is so fun I hate you and you hate me, such a hateful family And I could tell some lies to you at the dinner I had to suffer through Like go on, get 'em, sister, go, I can't do this shit alone I came from a broken home, so look at all my broken bones Count me in but count me out, I know what this is about I'm the next, I'll get in line, just let me have my fucking time [Outro] The farther I can reach, I'm such a fucking outlaw There's blood inside the leech, for every sin and God fall The fucking garden eats all of the fucking good ones And I could never sleep because the night is so fun I hate you and you hate me, such a hateful family And I could tell some lies to you at the dinner I had to suffer through

I honestly think that the military has ruined my life. I enlisted about a week after I graduated high school. That was over a year ago. I wanted to be able to go to college without having any debts to pay, and I wanted to do something great with my life. I wanted to enlist in the Air Force since middle school, and it was my dream to be a Military Policeman. Back then it seemed so cool, but now that I'm here it's nothing but mundane. I've received injuries during training that require physical therapy. I can't run or walk while wearing anything on my back without thinking my calves, or spine will snap. A few months ago, my mom and I fell behind on rent. It was the slow season for her job, and I was only making minimum wage aside from my monthly drill paychecks. With so many other bills to pay, and my two cats that I take care of we lacked the money to pull together that month's rent. We were facing eviction, so I decided to take action, and call one of my Sergeants to see if I could get a loan to pay the rent. The bank on base would need to see that I have enough income coming in to pay the loan back, so I would have to go work on base for a few weeks. The thing is, it's been over two months. I was never able to get the loan because I don't have credit. With each day that passes more fees get applied on top of the rent. We're getting closer and closer to three months of unpaid rent. My command wants me to work on base full time and has done nothing but make my life a living hell. They have tried to turn me against my mother saying that she's stealing my money when I know she's not. I have to give my mom the money to pay bills since only one bill was connected to my bank account, and everything else came out of hers. They kept feeding me all these negative things like "your mother is just using you for your money" and "she just wants you to come home so she can manipulate you". My mom had a stroke not long before I graduated high school, and ever since then our lives have had to change. My mom can only work from home, and I take care of her from time to time. Because of her decline in health, less money was coming in, and I needed to step up. It's always been us against the world ever since my dad left when I was just 5 years old. He never paid child support. I have no one except her, and she only has me. It still hurts that I almost ruined our relationship because I was allowing my command to put all these things into my head. I didn't have the confidence to say anything because they heavily out rank me. At least my commander is understanding. He's a very nice man, and it seems like he's really the only one I'm comfortable talking to. I never wanted this. I don't want to live 3 hours away from my mom, grandma, and friends. I don't want to think about anything related to this, my base housing paperwork, signing orders, arming up, going to work. None of it. I go to work, I'm alone for my entire shift from 6pm - 6am. I go back to my hotel room, I'm alone there too. I miss my cats, my mom, my bedroom, the friends that I had just made at college. It hurts that if I had never called to ask for help, I wouldn't have had to drop out of college again and would've gotten my grant money. That would've been enough. Now I'm stuck here living in a hotel room, working 12 hours with barely any time off, or time to myself. When I do get time, it's like I don't know what to do with myself. Nothing is fun anymore. I want to play my new Pokemon game, but I'm too tired to pick up my Switch. I thought I could find some sort of escape in my regiment, but that doesn't seem to help either. I don't get any tags on recruitments, the community drives me nuts, and not a single soul seems to be connected to reality. I want to go home, and pretend like none of this ever happened, but there's no going back now. I've made my choices, and I need to live with it. I don't want to have all this responsibility this early on in my life. I turn 20 soon, and it looks like I won't be able to take off to even celebrate my birthday. I'm tired of being sad, and not being able to find anything worth being joyous about. I miss being happy to boot up my Playstation that my mom helped me pick out once I returned from training. It was supposed to be our Playstation for us to enjoy, but now it sits on a hotel desk with all my games at home. I brought so many things for me to do, but I can't seem to pick any of them up. I just wish the money that I need could come falling out of the sky, but I know that's not how the world works. I wish it did.

Being as big of a [censored] up as I am is so embarrassing. And I know it's not only embarrassing for me, but for everyone who associates with me. I'm a grown man constantly crying like a child, because I'm not mentally of emotionally equipped to deal with he stress I'm put under on a daily basis. Being physically almost 19 and feeling mentally 15 is literally the most traumatic shit I've ever been through that didn't come at the hands of another person. I feel horrible and childish all the time no matter how hard I try to act mature or even just normal for my age. I don't get along with literally anyone and I feel like everyone is scared of me for one reason or another. And why does literally everyone know more about me than they should? Like I've never met you, why do you know about shit that happened 2 years ago in my life? Not to mention how I literally CANNOT escape my past. Like I get it, I hurt a lot of people, but that was years ago, and I've apologized extensively, cut contact, been to therapy, etc. So why am I still getting sent death threats? Getting called a pedo and a groomer, which was never true to begin with because 1. I was a minor, and 2. I was never intentionally talking sexually to anyone more than 2 years younger than me. The few people who saw through the rumors and gave me a chance are either gone now or rarely speak to me. I [censored] up literally everything. Relationships, job opportunities, my social standing, everything. I hate myself, and I hate who I am as a person. I hate the way that I talk, the way that I act, the way that I think, breathe, and feel. I hate every aspect of my own being and I genuinely hope that I kill myself or someone else kills me one of these days because I know, no matter how hard I try not to, I'm only going to hurt more people. It will never stop. Because for some reason my default is just to abuse others; and I don't know why, because I really, truly don't want or mean to. But still somehow beneath all of that I just want someone to love me. To truly love me. OR, better yet, to be obsessed with me in the way that I obsess over other people. For once. I want to feel like I matter to someone.

I don't know what to say. its been horribly long since ive had the chance to write, to cry, to yell, to live, to die, to be. to fall in a sleep as still as blossoming firefly lillies in the evergrowing dusk, the smell of honeysuckles thick in the air, in a calm white silence, followed only by the humming of the hummingbirds' wings and the breathing of the one i love most. lmaohuh, if you're seeing this, i love you. dont give up. meu amor, eu te amo. por favor nunca desista, você é a luz da minha vida.

I really don't get the use of venting to strangers online, like what are they going to really do, y'know? I mean yeah they can give you advice, but I feel like talking to people who you truly engage with in real life is the best option.

im scared of dying before i reach 25. if i cant get help the way i can right now (emitting myself to a psychiatric hospital) what will happen? im so scared.